In the
world of dating, I am much happier being the one who puts the leg work in. I
think it’s because generally I am more attracted to shy men, and am a
headstrong and rather opinionated wee rascal, so I anticipate that they will
need me to chivvy things along. Patronising? Perhaps, but I am comfortable with
this. I am also the sort of person who would rather ask and be told no, than not ask and instead spend my time dithering
around waiting hopefully to be asked out, like a regency lady fluttering my fan
at any potential beau in a desperate attempt at flirtation, and then watching
with dignity as they run off with the society belle, happy that at least I have
not put myself out in any way*. Incidentally, this doesn’t translate to other
areas of my life, where I am generally too scared to throw myself into doing
the things I truly love in case I fail and oh god this is getting depressing,
back to dating.
I think we
have all agreed that I do not set much store by dignity. I’m just not very good
at it, apart from anything else; I am one of those people that can trip over a
perfectly flat pavement, so I’ve really given up trying to hang on to it. It’s
easier that way.
With that
being the case, it should come as no surprise when I tell you that I have been
very proactive in my pursuing of a certain young man of my acquaintance. I am
happy with this, it seems to be going rather well at the moment, but there is
still a niggling feeling at the bottom of my stomach that tells me “if you’re
not careful, he will think you’re a very forward
sort of a female, and that would just not do”**. I think that this is
really one of the most permeating of patriarchal propaganda - women are still
in general not expected to be the ones to pursue romantic encounters. In fact,
I know plenty of women who actively would NOT ask a man out, and find it
incredibly odd that I do (I say odd, they usually say things like “I think it’s
GREAT how you’re brave enough to do it, I just know I couldn’t” which is
clearly nonsense). If you have moved away from home, developed a career, heck
if you can just wield a bread knife in the general area of a loaf with little personal
peril, you have already undertaken far braver things than just asking someone
for a drink.
Anyway. I think I have been making excellent
headway in my pursuing of said attractive man***, though given disappointing past
experiences I am trying very hard not to let myself get carried away. Saying
that, I had a mental mini-meltdown recently, where a lovely and indulgent
friend was on the receiving end of many, many self-loathing diatribes of the “oh
GOD, it’s bound to go WRONG, why am I such a DICK” variety. Nevertheless, I
persevere, and after a couple of what I am calling successful dates have
compiled a list of excellent things to always do on dates:
1. Make
sure you do a dreadful and frankly offensive impression of your date’s accent,
at all times.
2. Talk
about bras, often, and for long stretches. If the conversation turns to other
matters, make sure you frequently draw the conversation back to bras. People
love bras, right?
3. Do a
loud and highly inaccurate impression of what you imagine the singing mice to sound like,
in a busy and quite respectable restaurant.
So there
you are, three top tips for a winning date! YOU’RE WELCOME VAGINISTAS, YOU ARE
WELCOME.
*it’s
possible I have been reading Georgette Heyer novels recently. Possible.
**Heyer
again.
*** he
needs a moniker. I will have to work on this. Suggestions?
