Tuesday, 7 June 2011


I've got my first therapy session in about a month today. I think I'm probably half way through the NHS  sessions (If you are reading this from some awful dystopian future where free health care for all has been smashed into the ground, then I'm sorry. You poor, sickly thing, no doubt you have a horrible cough, dreadful skin and -most probably - scurvy. I pity you. The NHS at this point in my life has been wonderful to me.) I am due about ten more sessions, but if I'm not "cured" by the end of that time, my therapist can recommend I need some more and more than likely they will give me them. Te amo, NHS.

My therapist is a wonderful lady with silver white hair, a few inches shorter than me (which is unusual, as I'm rather short myself) who always wears fabulous coral-drop earrings and is married to an opera singer. I am very much a fan of this lovely woman, who has been (as you would hope) incredibly supportive through the process so far. But today, TODAY, I am worried I might get a bit of a ticking off. Not a proper ticking off, because lets face it, it's not really going to change her life if I manage to get a shag or not, but you know what I mean. I am worried she might give me a ticking off because I haven't been using my dilators...

A few months ago I got prescribed my set of dilators. These are basically a series of cock shaped plastic toys in increasing sizes - think sex-toy russian dolls - which screw onto a handle for "easy insertion", said handle having grippy non-slip contours (a nice touch). They come in a lady pleasing pink bag which looks a bit like a wash bag - no doubt designed to be "non-threatening" - and a bottle of water-based lube. They're not, I'm told, designed to stretch you, because the vagina is stretchy already, but to help you get used to the sensation of penetration, and to help you train your body out of the horrible muscle spasms that make everything so painful and impossible. They vary in size from one about the length and circumference of my index finger, to one quite frankly terrifyingly huge one, the size of the hubble telescope (it's possible I'm slightly exaggerating).

Once again, these were prescribed to me on the NHS (sorry my lice-riddled dystopian friend) and on the third go I managed to track down a chemist that stocks them, the first two not able to do any more for me but squint at the prescription in confused embarrassment. A shame this. Anyone less determined and more bashful than me would probably have given up sooner. Gleefully, I toted my little pharmacy bag home, and poured the contents on my living room table for my assorted housemates to ooh and aah and "is that the hubble telescope?!" at. I should say at this point, I have wonderful housemates who are all aware of my little problem, mainly because I get drunk and whiningly tell them all the gory details, the poor loves. Love you all, my long-suffering housemates.

Anyway, so after reading the little pamphlet enclosed, and disinfecting the russian-doll cocks, I've been dutifully using the things every other day since I first picked them up. Let me let you into a secret. I am not, at the best times, a very dignified person. I often trip over perfectly flat, crackless pavement. I have smashed nearly every glass in the house just by looking at them. Dignity and I rarely meet. Which is probably for the best, as there really is no dignified way to screw a mini-cock onto a handle, lube it up and - ahem - insert it into your poor, protesting vagina. I lie there, holding the cleverly non-slip handle, staring at the ceiling and watch my last little scrap of dignity float away into the air. "I'm sorry" It seems to say "But this is a whole different level. There's no way I can stick around for this". I understand, dignity. Once the thing is in, you have to leave it there for a while, maybe do some kegel exercises I usually read a book and try not to feel like a total tit with a handle sticking out of me, and occasionally wiggling around (if I'm doing the kegels). This is good, I tell myself, this is helping. Indignity is not important here.

Indignity aside, the process was actually going quite well for a while, and I had progressed up to the third of the five attachments. Well done me, and my stretchy, stretchy vagina, I thought. And then, and THEN, the bloody things gave me a kidney infection. A "very severe" kidney infection according to (another) NHS doctor. Apparently - people who have had "the sex" can confirm this - sometimes penetration and the mix up of all the fluids can give you a kidney infection. A KIDNEY. INFECTION. A kidney infection. Honestly, the more I hear about sex the less appetising it gets.

I was on anti-biotics for two weeks, laid up for a couple of days drinking huge quantities of water, and quite frankly haven't opened the stupid lady-pink bag since. Sigh.

So. Off to my therapy later, tail between my legs (but not the hubble telescope) to admit ashamedly that it's been a good two weeks since I've tried the things again. Hopefully my lovely therapist will understand. If not, I can always turn the conversation to her coral-drop earrings. They really are fabulous.

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