Friday, 23 March 2012

An interview with a man about vaginismus

The other day, a thought penetrated my usually water-tight bubble of narcissism, and the thought was this: Here I am writing all about Vaginismus and how it affects me, and how it makes me feel and maa maa maa, isn’t my vagina RUBBISH, and I haven’t once written about how it affects my boyfriend. My attention was drawn to this by a friend of mine who also has v, who asked me “but… does he cope with it?!”. I’ve said it before that I’ve been really lucky in general in not encountering arseholes who freak out when they hear about Vaginismus, but I know that this is by no means the norm. 
My boyfriend and I obviously talk about it together, but I thought it might be nice to do an interview with him, to show vaginismus from a man’s point of view. I know some people may be surprised that a woman with primary vaginismus can enter into a relationship (I've not discussed primary and secondary vaginismus yet, I'll do so soon...) but it is really not as surprising as you might think.
So, that being the case, here he is. He has requested that I call him “The Cure”, demonstrating that his levels of narcissism equal, if not exceed, mine (not to mention his optimism!), but this is asking a little too much, so I will call him “Robert” instead. Fnar.
Hello Robert. How are you. How was your day?
It was ok. I cut my finger though (Robert proffers finger for inspection)
Sorry about that. Do you want me to kiss it better? (Robert holds his finger to his chest and pouts) No? Ok then, on with the interview! Tell me, how did you feel when I first told you about my having vaginismus?
The first thought was confusion. I didn't understand what it was...Basically, that was the first thought. 
Had you heard about vaginismus before?
No, never. 
So, when I explained what it was, how did you feel then?
Still confused! But i understood why you couldn't have sex (Robert breaks off to say - Ooh, I quite like being interviewed!) and for a brief flash I thought you were just using it as an excuse to make me think you were a virgin, because "apparently" men like virgins! (Keeks glares at him) Obviously, I didn't really think that, but it did cross my mind, when I was trying to figure it all out!
I see.... And did it put you off pursuing a relationship with me?
No, not at all. 
What did you expect sex to be like?
I thought it might be painful for you, and obviously you don't want to have sex with someone who it feels painful for. I didn't know really, I wasn't sure where the limitations were and I didn't want to get carried away and end up hurting you. I guess I was a bit nervous about it.
And how is the sex, is it what you expected?
It's fun!

How have you found ways around the issue of penetrative sex?
Well, there are lots of other things we can do. Oral sex. :) (Robert looks very pleased about this)
Is it worse going out with someone with vaginismus? 
It doesn't feel any different really, it's just a normal relationship with the normal feelings, there's no difference whatsoever. In some ways it's more exciting, because trying to find different ways to have sex is a whole new game! But sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship at all. 
What would you say to a man who found out someone he was seeing had vaginismus? (Robert needs this further explained, because he hadn't realised that most women - unlike Keeks - don't tell men on the first date about their sexual conditions)
Wow, you make vaginismus sound like it's something really awful! (Er....!) Hmmm....So I would say to that person, to go for it, see how things goes, if they can't handle the vaginismus then they are too immature to deal with an adult relationship really, and it's their loss. Relationships aren't all about sex anyway. It is sad when men are obsessed with sex, it's a bit stupid. 
I've since found out that people can have preconceived ideas about vaginismus and think that the girls should just power through it, which is so bad. To those people, I'd say how wrong you are! If the person you are going out with has vaginismus you need to do your research and support them. Trying to make them "push through" the pain barrier is only going to make things worse, and is a pretty shitty thing to do.
Is there anything else you would like to say?
Shall I do a big feminist rant like you? (rude!) At the end of the day, a relationship is not all about sex, it's about you and your partner and how you get on. If your partner is only in it for the sex then you know what you should do! Plus, sex is still good, because there is more to sex than just the "p in the v", and you're lacking in imagination if you think that's all it is. 
Well done Robert. You did good. 
Can we watch the apprentice now?


  1. Love it! It was good hearing from a supportive male partner. I am gay so I never had to endure dating men who didn't 'get' my condition. So glad you have someone understanding and who enjoys finding new ways to have sex (rather than the p in the v. LOL)

  2. Thanks so much Angie! Glad you enjoyed the interview, he's well trained ;) x